You've decided to write your own vows. You open a blank document, type "I love you because..." and then stare at the cursor for twenty minutes.

If that's you right now, you're in very good company. Most people have never written anything like this before, and it's one of the things couples tell me they're most nervous about. The good news is that the best vows sound like you, talking to the person you're marrying. No poetry degree required.

The quick answer

To write your wedding vows, start by jotting down memories and qualities you love about your partner, then shape them into a simple structure: something about them, something about the two of you, and the promises you want to make. Aim for about one to two minutes when read aloud, and practise saying them out loud before the day.

And if you'd rather not write your own? That's completely fine. In Australia you need to say a short legal vow to be married. Personal vows are an optional extra.

Before you write: a few things to agree on together

A quick chat with your partner saves a lot of awkwardness later. Agree on:

• Roughly how long your vows will be, so one of you isn't reading a novella while the other says three lines.

• The tone. All heartfelt, a bit of humour, or a mix?

• Whether you'll share them before the day or keep them a surprise. (If you keep them secret, your celebrant can check both sets to make sure they're a similar length and feel.

How to start: brainstorm first, write later

The hardest part is the first sentence, so don't start there. Start with a list.

Grab a notebook (or your phone notes) and answer a few of these questions. Don't worry about wording yet.

• When did you first realise this was someone special?

• What's a small, everyday thing they do that you love?

• What do they make easier, better or funnier in your life?

• What have you been through together?

• What do you want your life to look like in ten years?

• What would you want them to remember on a hard day?

You'll usually find two or three answers that make you smile, or get a bit teary. Those are your vows.

A simple vow structure that works

You don't need a formula, but a loose shape helps. Here's one that suits most people:

1. Open with them. Start by speaking directly to your partner. Something you love about them, or the moment you knew.

2. Share a little of your story. One specific memory or detail. Specific is what makes vows feel personal.

3. Make your promises. Three or four is plenty. Mix the meaningful with the everyday.

4. Finish with a closing line. Something simple you could say while looking them in the eye.

Here's how that might sound in practice:

Sam, you're the calmest person I know, even when I've locked us out of the house again. I knew you were the one when you drove an hour in the rain just to bring me soup. I promise to always listen, to support your dreams even when they involve more camping than I'd like, and to keep making your coffee exactly the way you like it. Today I choose you, and I'll keep choosing you.

Notice what's in there: a real-feeling detail, a gentle bit of humour, practical promises and a clear ending. That's all you need.

How long should wedding vows be?

About one to two minutes each when spoken, which is usually somewhere around 150 to 250 words. That's long enough to say something real and short enough to keep everyone with you.

Read them out loud with a timer. You'll be surprised how different writing feels from speaking, and on the day you'll probably talk a little slower than you think.

Getting the tone right

The best vows sound like the person saying them.

If you're naturally funny, a bit of humour is wonderful. Just keep it kind, keep it about the two of you, and avoid anything that needs a backstory or would make your partner (or their gran) squirm. A good rule of thumb is to let the jokes warm people up and the promises carry the weight.

If you're not a words person, keep it simple. A few honest sentences said with meaning will land far better than something borrowed that doesn't sound like you.

And try to avoid the big generic phrases. "You're my everything" is lovely, but "you're the only person who laughs at my terrible puns" is the line people will remember.

When the words won't come out

Writer's block with vows is very common. A few things that help:

• Talk instead of write. Record a voice memo telling a friend why you love your partner. Then type it up.

• Write a terrible first draft on purpose. Nobody will see it. Editing is much easier than starting.

• Write a letter instead. "Dear Sam..." often flows more easily than "My vows". You can shape it into vows afterwards.

• Use the questions above and answer just one. That might be enough to get going.

• Step away. Some of the best lines arrive in the shower or on the drive to work.

• Ask for help. Your celebrant has heard a lot of vows and can help you shape your ideas into words that feel natural to say.

Practising on the day

Print your vows or write them on a card. Reading from your phone works, but it doesn't look great in photos and notifications have a terrible sense of timing.

Practise out loud a few times, ideally with a microphone if you'll be using one. You don't need to memorise them. Nobody expects you to.

And if you get emotional halfway through? Take a breath, have a sip of water, and carry on. Guests love it, and it's one of those moments that makes a ceremony feel real.

Frequently asked questions

Do we have to write our own wedding vows? No. In Australia you each need to say a short legal vow, and your celebrant will guide you through it. Personal vows are optional.

What should wedding vows include? Something about your partner, a little of your story and a few promises. Beyond that, it's up to you.

Should our vows be the same length? Roughly, yes. It feels more balanced for both of you.

Can our vows be funny? Yes. Humour works well when it's kind and balanced with some sincere promises.

Should we keep our vows secret? It's your choice. Some couples love the surprise. Others prefer to share them beforehand to feel more prepared.

Do we have to memorise our vows? No. Reading from a card is completely normal.

Can our celebrant help us write our vows? Yes. Depending on your package, I can offer vow guidance, templates or one-on-one support.

You don't have to do this alone

Writing vows can feel like a big task, but you already know everything you need to say. Sometimes it just takes the right questions to help it come out.

If you'd like a hand, [let's have a chat about your wedding], or take a look at my [wedding ceremony packages] to see which ones include vow-writing support.